Choosing the correct politeness level is crucial in Korean. The wrong choice can be offensive (too casual) or create unnecessary distance (too formal). This guide helps you navigate real situations.
Decision Framework
Primary Factors
Age (나이): Most important factor Status (지위): Professional/social position Relationship (관계): Level of intimacy Context (상황): Formal vs casual setting
Secondary Factors
Group dynamics: Who else is present Topic seriousness: Heavy vs light conversation Regional culture: Area-specific norms Family culture: Each family's traditions
Age-Based Guidelines
Older Than You (Even by 1 Year)
Default: Use polite speech (해요체 or 합니다체)
Examples:
- Classmate 1 year older: 해요체
- Coworker 5 years older: 해요체
- Boss/professor any age older: 합니다체 initially
Can transition to 반말?: Only if they explicitly suggest it
Same Age (동갑)
Initial meeting: Start with 해요체 After bonding: Can suggest switching to 반말 Common phrase: "우리 반말할까?" (Shall we use 반말?)
Typical progression:
- First meeting: 해요체
- After 2-3 meetings: Discuss switching
- Agreement: Both switch to 반말
Younger Than You
1-2 years younger: Often start polite, can switch to 반말 after agreement Significantly younger: Can use 반말, but many choose to stay polite for warmth Children: 반말 appropriate
Cultural note: Being kind by using 해요체 with slightly younger people shows maturity
Context-Based Guidelines
Formal Situations
합니다체 required:
- Job interviews
- Business presentations
- Academic conferences
- Official ceremonies
- First meeting with high-ranking people
- Public speeches
- News broadcasts
Example: 제 이름은 김민수입니다 (My name is Kim Minsu)
Semi-Formal Situations
해요체 appropriate:
- Work meetings (established team)
- Classroom discussions
- Networking events
- Professional emails (when spoken)
- Service interactions
- Meeting friends' parents
Example: 저는 학생이에요 (I'm a student)
Casual Situations
반말 appropriate:
- With close friends
- Casual hangouts
- Text messages to friends
- Family (same age or younger)
- Speaking to children
Example: 나 학생이야 (I'm a student)
Relationship-Based Guidelines
Strangers
Always start polite:
- Default to 해요체
- Use 합니다체 if very formal context
- Never 반말 with strangers (extremely rude)
Asking directions: 실례합니다. 역이 어디예요? (Excuse me, where's the station?)
Acquaintances
Maintain 해요체:
- Neighbors
- Parents of friends
- Casual coworkers
- Classmates (before close)
- Service workers
Stay polite until relationship deepens
Close Friends
반말 after agreement:
- Close friends (established intimacy)
- Study partners (after bonding)
- Roommates (after closeness develops)
Never assume: Always have the "반말 conversation"
Family
Complex dynamics:
- Older siblings: Polite speech (or 반말 if they allow)
- Younger siblings: 반말
- Parents: Polite speech (most families)
- Grandparents: Highly polite speech
- Cousins: Depends on age
Each family differs: Some families use all 반말, others maintain hierarchy
Professional Settings
Workplace Hierarchy
To CEO/President: 합니다체 (always) To direct boss: 합니다체 or 해요체 To senior colleagues: 해요체 To same-level colleagues: 해요체 (or 반말 if agreed) To junior staff: 해요체 (professional) or 반말 (if close)
Company Culture Variations
Traditional corporations:
- Strict 합니다체 to superiors
- 해요체 among same level
- Clear hierarchy maintained
Modern startups:
- Often 해요체 across all levels
- Some use agreed 반말 for team bonding
- More flexible
International companies:
- More relaxed
- Often default to 해요체
- Hierarchy less strict
Educational Settings
With Teachers/Professors
Always polite:
- 해요체 minimum
- 합니다체 safer, especially initially
- Never 반말
Example: 질문이 있는데요 (I have a question - polite)
With Classmates
Same age: 해요체 → transition to 반말 if close Older: 해요체 always (unless they suggest otherwise) Younger: 해요체 (kind) or 반말 (if relationship permits)
In Class Presentations
Use 합니다체:
- Formal academic context
- Shows respect to audience
- Professional standard
Service Interactions
Customers to Staff
Use 해요체:
- Restaurants: 물 주세요 (Water, please)
- Shops: 이거 얼마예요? (How much is this?)
- Taxis: 여기서 세워 주세요 (Please stop here)
Never 반말: Considered extremely rude to service workers
Staff to Customers
Use polite speech:
- 해요체 or 합니다체
- Standard service language
- Shows respect for customer
Example: 주문하시겠어요? (Would you like to order?)
Mixed Group Situations
Problem: Different Levels in Same Group
Scenario: Hanging out with friends, one person requires polite speech
Solutions:
- Everyone uses 해요체 (safest)
- Split speech levels (direct each appropriately)
- Person who needs polite speech says "다들 편하게 말해요" (Everyone speak comfortably)
Most common: Everyone maintains polite speech to not exclude anyone
Transitioning Between Levels
From 합니다체 to 해요체
Natural progression as relationship warms:
- Meeting 1-2: 합니다체
- Meeting 3-5: Gradually mix in 해요체
- Established: Mainly 해요체
Sign to switch: Other person uses 해요체 with you
From 해요체 to 반말
Explicit conversation required:
Older person suggests: "우리 말 놓을까?" (Shall we speak casually?) Or: "편하게 말해" (Speak comfortably)
Among peers: "우리 친구하자, 반말할까?" (Let's be friends, shall we use 반말?)
Response: "네, 좋아요!" → then switch
Never: Just suddenly switch without agreement
Temporary Switching Back
Can return to polite speech:
- When discussing serious matters
- In front of people who require respect
- When upset (shows displeasure)
- In formal settings
Common Mistakes
Mistake 1: Using 반말 Too Early
Problem: Assuming you can use 반말 Why wrong: Extremely rude, damages relationship Fix: Always start polite, wait for permission
Example scenario: Wrong: Meeting classmate 1 year older, immediately use 반말 Right: Use 해요체, wait for them to suggest 반말
Mistake 2: Over-Formality
Problem: Using 합니다체 with close friends Why wrong: Creates distance, seems cold Fix: Match the relationship level
Example: Wrong: Using 합니다체 after friend says use 반말 Right: Switch to 반말 as suggested
Mistake 3: Inconsistent Levels
Problem: Mixing 해요체 and 반말 randomly Why wrong: Sounds awkward, confusing Fix: Pick one level and maintain it
Example: Wrong: 어디 가요? 나 집에 가. (mixing) Right: 어디 가? 나 집에 가. (consistent 반말)
Mistake 4: Forgetting Context
Problem: Using casual speech in formal setting Why wrong: Inappropriate for situation Fix: Context overrides relationship sometimes
Example: Wrong: Using 반말 to close friend during your work presentation Right: Use 해요체 or 합니다체 for professional context
Special Situations
Online/Text
With strangers: 해요체 With friends: 반말 (if agreed in person) Public posts: Often 해요체 (wider audience) Comments: Match the original poster's level
Dating
First dates: 해요체 (respectful) After several dates: Discuss switching to 반말 Common phrase: "우리 반말할까?" (Shall we use 반말?) Relationship stage: Many couples use 반말
Phone Calls
Unknown caller: 해요체 (해요체 safest) Customer service: 해요체 to them, they use polite to you Friends: 반말 (if agreed) Business calls: 합니다체 or 해요체
Age Gap Nuances
1-2 Year Difference
School: Same grade often uses 반말 Outside school: Often starts 해요체, can switch to 반말 if close Cultural: Korean age system makes same-grade students often "same age"
3-5 Year Difference
Usually: Younger uses 해요체 Rare: Older explicitly permits 반말 Standard: Maintain 해요체 for respect
6+ Year Difference
Always: Use polite speech (해요체 minimum) Exception: Only if in extremely close relationship AND they insist on 반말 Safe: Stay with 해요체 to show respect
Regional Variations
Seoul Standard
Most strict about age hierarchy:
- Clear politeness levels
- Age difference matters
- Formality emphasized
Busan/Gyeongsang
Slightly more relaxed:
- Faster transition to casual speech
- Different intonations
- Unique dialectal 반말 forms
Jeolla Province
Their own politeness markers:
- Different particles
- Unique casual forms
- Regional expressions
Decision Flowchart
Question 1: Is this person older than you?
- Yes: Use 해요체 (or 합니다체 if formal)
- No: Continue to Question 2
Question 2: Is this a formal context?
- Yes: Use 해요체 or 합니다체
- No: Continue to Question 3
Question 3: Do you know this person well?
- No: Use 해요체
- Yes: Continue to Question 4
Question 4: Have you agreed to use 반말?
- Yes: Use 반말
- No: Use 해요체 and wait for permission
Key Guidelines
Safe Defaults
- ✅ When unsure: Use 해요체 (always safe)
- ✅ First meeting: Start polite (해요체 or 합니다체)
- ✅ Professional: 합니다체 or 해요체
- ✅ Service: 해요체
Red Flags
❌ Never assume you can use 반말 ❌ Never use 반말 with strangers ❌ Never use 반말 with anyone older (without permission) ❌ Never suddenly switch levels without discussion
Cultural Wisdom
Korean saying: "높임말은 천천히 내려가도 되지만, 올라가기는 어렵다" (Polite speech can slowly become casual, but going back up is hard)
Meaning: Start polite, can become casual. Starting casual and trying to be polite later is awkward.
Practice Scenarios
Scenario 1: Coffee Shop
Situation: Ordering at cafe Use: 해요체 Example: "아메리카노 한 잔 주세요" (One americano, please)
Scenario 2: New Classmate (Same Age)
Situation: First day of class Use: 해요체 initially After bonding: "우리 반말할까?" (Shall we use 반말?)
Scenario 3: Job Interview
Situation: Speaking to interviewer Use: 합니다체 Example: "열심히 일하겠습니다" (I will work hard)
Scenario 4: Friend's Birthday Party
Situation: Close friends present Use: 반말 (with friends who agreed) Example: "생일 축하해!" (Happy birthday!)
Scenario 5: Meeting Partner's Parents
Situation: First time meeting Use: 합니다체 or very polite 해요체 Example: "만나서 반갑습니다" (Nice to meet you)
Key Points
- ✅ Age: Most critical factor in Korean
- ✅ Context: Formality of situation matters
- ✅ Relationship: Intimacy level determines casualness
- ✅ Default safe: Always start with 해요체
- ✅ Permission: Need explicit agreement for 반말
- ✅ Consistency: Maintain same level in conversation
- ✅ Flexibility: Can adjust based on situation
- ✅ Respect: When in doubt, choose more polite
Choosing the right politeness level shows social awareness and respect. Master 해요체 first as your default, then learn when it's appropriate to move up to 합니다체 or down to 반말.